How to Survive Grandparents, Or, When Strict Parents Turn into Pussycats!

How to survive (your kids') grandparents!

Remember that person who nagged you for a whole week to tidy your room until you just gave in and ended up doing it? Do you recall anyone in your childhood who did not let a fizzy drink so much as pass in front of your face?

Peas. When you were little, were there just more good reasons to eat peas than there are now? no, there weren't.
So, who are these strange people, who look just like your Mum and Dad and sound just like Mum and Dad? But when your child says at five to six in the evening "Can I have a packet of crisps?!?!?" head straight to the snack cupboard and bring out bags of crisps?

Where do the endless supplies of sweets now come from? You were lucky to get a quarter of a Mars bar a week back in the eighties, but now you see your lovely little babies, wandering around with handfuls of chocolates they have just been given by Gampa.

There is only one way to survive this. It is completely to admit defeat. You are completely outflanked on either side by a generation and you're outnumbered too. Give in. They always side with each other anyway.

Sarcastic comments will not help. The little ones won't get your dry little witticisms and the oldies will just look so hurt and  wounded that you will feel guilty.

Shouting won't help. Did you ever shout at your own parent as an adult? Yes, that is right, you start off all high and mighty, but by the end of it you feel two years old.

No, the only thing to do is to do nothing. You have to be the person who says 'No crisps before dinner.' and 'Eat up all your greens.' Even when four pairs of eyes turn to you as if to say 'Aw, they're only little, let them leave them just this once.'

Oooh, just wait. Only another twenty or thrity years to go and then it can be your turn!

How to Survive Debt

All debt is relative.

A debt of ten pounds for someone who earns nothing is a bad debt. Just as a debt of twenty thousand is for someone on a thousand a month. So, the size of the debt is not the issue here. After all, a million pound mortgage on a house worth two million could be absolutely fine for some.

Debt is built up in two ways. There is the initial spend which causes a person to go into debt in the first place. Then there is the compound accumulation of interest and fees which are associated with this debt which help it to build up and up and up.

I am not sure how many of us are equipped to understand the complex calculations done by the banks when they work out just how much money we owe them. In very simple terms, in case someone does not know, debt can be compounded as follows.

If you owe someone £100 at 5% interest a month, then at the end of the first month, you owe them £105.
At the end of the second month, if you haven't paid anything back, you owe them  £110.25, which is 5% of £105 added on, and so on. So, at the end of ten months, if you have not repaid anything, you owe them a grand total of £162.89p.

This is a wonderful device for all the banks to get us to pay back much more than we borrow. But it is that important percentage that is so important. If we paid back 6% interest instead of 5%, then we would owe £179.08p, over £16 more!

These are the basics to be aware of when initially borrowing the money. Compounding that debt is not going to do you any favours. The shorter the term and the lower the rate, the better. So it is a wise decision to never pick up the phone and call one of the new companies which offer short term debt at 1000% interest.

They are there, the adverts are cropping up. All they need is a million punters overpaying a few hundred pounds a month.

And it goes without saying to never, ever go to a loan shark. Or else, just chopping off an arm or a leg and handing it over to them first would be much better.

So, being in debt is actually fine, good debt is the way that smooths the wheels of industry - or something. But then the letters start coming through the door. Debt attracts more debt it seems.

Your lender will slowly inch up your credit limit if you are a good customer. They will offer a good short term rate to get you started, and then when you have built up enough of a loan with them, they will hit you with the full interest rate.

Other lenders will jump on the band wagon. More letters will arrive offering you more credit cards, store cards, loans for a car, holiday, doing up your house.

There are two facts to note here:

Buying things using a card is way easier than using actual money.  Firstly, it never seems to feel like real money. You just hand over the card and enter the pin number and it is all very clinical and painless. There is no counting out the small change and handing over the notes. It no longer matters whether you have the right change with you at all, you can pay for any amount of purchase - just use your card!

The second thing to note is that a lot of little amounts can build up to an extremely large total. Imagine five purchases of just under twenty pounds. It will not feel like you have just spent a hundred pounds, but that is what it means. Over a week of small purchases, it can add up to many hundreds of pounds.

So How do you Survive Debt?

The aim of someone who is in debt must be to get out of debt as quickly as possible. As painful as it will be, first of all, find out, or work out exactly how much debt you are in. Although you have kept a running total of your spending in your head, the actual figure may be very surprising. It could be thousands of pounds out when interest fees (compounded), late payment fees, overdraft facility fees, paper bill charges (yes, they do charge to send you paper statements) and manager's lunch  (car, second house in Spain) fees are added onto the top.

Work out how much you owe.

Next, sit down and work out income versus expenditure. This is quite easy these days, with online banking and downloadable statements. You can easily what is going out, where and how and what it coming in.

As Charles Dickens said: "Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery."

Cut down where you can.

Plan to overpay as much as you can within the terms of your borrowing. Some lenders protect the repayments they expect to receive by putting a limit on how much you can pay back.

See if you can earn more money. Can you let out a spare room? sell anything online? Offer tuition for a skill you have? Piano? Good head for numbers?

If you are in difficulties let your lenders know as quickly as possible. They are mean, they are callous, but they will try to protect their investment. If you can convince them to agree better terms, and still pay, then they might agree.

Aim to pay off your most expensive debt first. Take it slowly, one step at a time. Don't hide, act now! 

How to Survive: Old Ginger

Old Ginger is not the name of some fierce, one-eyed feline who scours the neighbourhood looking for a fight.

In How to Survive Old Ginger, I mean ginger, that is old. Normally, when you buy ginger from the supermarket or green grocer's it is fresh, plump and juicy. But, there are times when you have no choice but to buy what's there.

When you come home, you discover that it has gone very stringy inside. This is horrible.
It does not cut properly and when you cook it, you can still taste stringy ginger in your food. This is not good.

If it is not too fibrous and still a bit juicy, then this ginger can be cut along the fibres into very thin strips. These can be used in the cooking. By avoiding any cuts against the grain, the fibres and soften together while cooking.

Also, it can be grated in. The cheese grater does not mind cutting through old ginger and it is easy enough to do it.

But if it is too hard to cope with, then there is another way to use it:

Grow it! 

 You are not going to be able to eat it and you will have to go out and buy some more anyway, so while you are out, get some rich compost.

Ginger likes very rich, well-draining soil. It is a native of hot countries, so unless you live in one of these, your ginger will need to be grown indoors.

First though, soak your ginger in a little warm water overnight. This way, it can become ready for growing more easily.

The next day, find the buds and put the root with the buds facing upwards.

Plant this a couple of inches deep into a container full of the rich compost. Keep it well watered and warm in a shady position.

Do you want to end up with a ginger plant? If you look at it again after a week, you will see new rhizomes beginning to sprout out. These can be washed and used as fresh ginger. The rest of the root can be placed back into the container.

Otherwise, leave it alone until it has sprouted and started growing. Keep it dry in the winter time when it is not growing as much.

This is a great way to go from an un-useable fibrous lump of dry ginger into a beautiful, scented plant.

How to Survive: Crumbs

Albert Einstein was obviously a genius. In his book, 'Relativity', published in 1952, he writes:

"Since there exists in this four dimensional structure [space-time] no longer any sections which represent "now" objectively, the concepts of happening and becoming are indeed not completely suspended, but yet complicated. It appears therefore more natural to think of physical reality as a four dimensional existence, instead of, as hitherto, the evolution of a three dimensional existence."

In other words, he believed that the past, present and the future may not exist as a continuously flowing entity, but could all be an illusion to us because we are observing them! Albert Einstein rejected the concept of time as an absolute!

Which brings us very nicely to crumbs. These can be toast crumbs or biscuit crumbs - any crumbs.

There is a very different amount of time between these two fixed points:

Point A: You sit in front of your parent - either one is fine, but most probably your mother - while you both eat toast. You notice that there are parts of their body - the middle parts - which get covered in toast crumbs as they eat! You look down at yourself: Your body only goes straight up and down and your crumbs have fallen all over your plate, or the floor.

Point B: Your child is sitting in front of you while you both eat toast, or biscuits, or whatever. There is a certain fascinated look on your child's face as they watch you eating. You look down and your middle is covered in crumbs!

The time between Point A and Point B is a huge, gaping divide. It will probably never happen!

But

The time between Point B and Point A is just the blink of an eye! Use it wisely.

 

How to Survive Being the Most Common Visitor

If you are writing a blog and have installed something like 'Feedjit' in your sidebar, then this is great! You can see people who visit your site. You can have the absolute thrill of seeing it say: A visitor from West Palm Beach, Florida arrived from linkreferral.com and viewed "How to Survive" 5 seconds ago.
Which means that they are here, now! actually viewing your blog!! (Yikes!)

But what, do you do when it says for day after day: A visitor from Didcot arrived?
Now you know that there are not actually that many people in Didcot who could make a conscious decision each day to search for a blog about everday life and how to survive it. 29 people do not wake up in the morning and say, "Oh No! only 2 eggs for breakfast! But there are 3 of us, what shall I do?? I know, I'll search the internet and look for a blog about it!"

This is not really happening. It is you isn't it? You are visiting your own blog everyday to see who else has been here aren't you?

So, how do you survive this?
*You could remove the Feedjit sidebar - But it is so much fun and you can click on it to see a little map of the visitors and everything.

*You could remove your own visits from it, Feedjit lets you do that - But that is only for the stats, your visits still get displayed in the sidebar.

*You could visit less, or advertise more so that more visitors come to see your blog.

*Or you could just live with it. When change happens, then embrace it, but for now: accept it and put up some cute pictures of kittens:

How to Survive an English Roundabout

Roundabouts can be so confusing. There can be many different lanes and if you get it wrong, there is the danger that the other drivers will beep you, or worse! The way to survive an English roundabout is to be clear about which lane you should be in and to stay in your lane. If you miss your turn, then do not worry, you can always go all the way round and get off at your exit. There are usually signs well before you get to the roundabout to tell you which lane to be in and the names or numbers of the roads to tell you where to go. A Blue sign tells you that there is a roundabout approaching.

Then later on, more signs tell you which roads lead off the roundabout at the different exits. In general, it is quite straightforward if you follow the rules.

• Drive on the Left in England
• Go around it in a clockwise direction.
• Stay in your lane until you come to your exit.
• The left hand lane is usually for turning left or going straight ahead.
• The right hand lane is usually for turning right, unless it is also for going straight ahead.
• If there are three approach lanes, then the middle one is definitely for going straight ahead.
• Cyclists decide where they should be positioned according to where they are going. Each cyclist is unique and must be watched carefully. 
• Give way to traffic coming from the right. 
• The rule is: Do not enter the roundabout unless your exit is clear. Many people do not understand this. 
• Once someone is already on the roundabout, then it is their right of way. There is no point beeping them.
• If you are half way round and your exit is blocked, then it is polite to leave a gap so that cars coming from the left lane can go round. Again, many people ignore this and leave no gap. They have to sit there, blocking the lane and getting glared at by drivers in that lane.
•   If you miss your exit, then simply go around the whole roundabout again until you see the correct exit. 

If there are many exits and a lot of lane markings, work out which one yours is and stick to that lane.

• There may be traffic lights any where around the roundabout.

Short Survival Tips #1

• Never try to make white sauce using custard powder
• Pouring Orange Squash into Chicken Curry does not result in Duck a l'Orange
• Half a teaspoon of English Mustard is enough to blow the roof of your mouth off

The Epitome of How to Survive: If by Rudyard Kipling

Many people are familiar with this poem by Rudyard Kipling and I think, once read, much of it stays with you for a long time.Each part of it has a resonance with some stage of most people's lives. Which part do you most identify with and why?

Rudyard Kipling 1865 - 1936

If by Rudyard Kipling:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!



To read more inspiring articles based around this poem, please visit All Things If

How to Survive Bullying: 1

If you are the one doing the bullying:

Then grow up and get a life and stop picking on those that you think are weaker and more vulnerable than you. If someone is being bullied by you, do you know how much courage it takes to keep showing up everyday? To keep coming back home, or back to school, or back to work?

No, it is not very likely that you do, because hiding behind that stupid, tough exterior is a stupid, weak person. They have more courage and strength in their little finger than the whole of you. If someone started to bully you the way you bully others, then you would not last for one second - and you know it. That's why you do it. Because you are scared and weak and afraid.

Stop it now before it all gets out of hand.

How to Survive Only 2 Eggs, But 3 People for Breakfast?!

This is a terrible dilemma. What do you do?

Do you ask each person whether they would like eggs, while secretly hoping that one person will say 'No'?
Do you give the guests the eggs and go without yourself?
Do you pull one person aside and ask them if they would like to have an egg and make the other one go without?

Its hard isn't it?

Well, no...

Why don't you... (drum roll)... Make Pancakes!

Take you two eggs, add about 6oz of flour and half a pint of milk. (I always add a couple of tbsp of sugar too, but traditionalists would throw their hands up at this).

Whizz all the ingredients in a food mixer. If the batter is a bit thick, add a bit more water, if it is very runny, then add a bit of flour.

Heat a tsp of oil in a frying pan and pour in a little of the batter. If you want them all the same size, put a couple of tbsp of the batter into the pan.

Swirl it round to make a thin pancake. After a couple of minutes, turn it over and cook for a couple of mins.


If there is no food processer

Sift the flour into a bowl, add the egg to make a thick paste then add the milk a little at a time. This will make sure there are no lumps.

They are very filling and this will be more than enough for three people.

How to Survive in a 20mph Zone

It is my opinion that the 20 miles per hour zone is one of the most dangerous driving speeds that there can possibly be.

This is true for drivers, pedestrians, cyclists - all road users.

In living in an area for over ten years, I never before heard of a single accident nearby. But within 6 months of a 20mph zone being introduced there have been three actual accidents, one where the whole road had to be closed and the traffic diverted, countless collisions and many near misses.

A lot of drivers don't even notice the 20 sign and just drive right on through. The people who live in the area drive more slowly.

The trouble is that for pedestrians, the traffic is going slowly enough to be able to walk between cars if there is enough distance between them. This means that the poor driver constantly has little old ladies appearing the in the road in front of them with a determined look on their faces and the setting on their zimmer frame set to 'speed' as they slowly wander across the road.

What this really means for the driver is that you have to be extra careful and not take your eyes off the road for a second.

Kids, delivery van drivers, gentlemen in suits, it doesn't matter who they are, they will see a space and wander across the road. This also applies to cars turning into the road. They assume that you are going more slowly than usual so they happily cut in front.

What prompted me to write this today was this: I have just driven home through such a zone at 5.30pm - quite dark at this time of year. A young lady, with black hair, dressed in black clothes and shoes and carrying a black bag was walking along texting on her black phone.

She was completely oblivious to the world around her - and completely invisible to me, until she suddenly appeared in the headlights of my car.

I slammed on the brakes, she looked up for a second, no change of expression to her face, then looked back down and continued on her bovine way.

My message to help you survive:

Drivers: be extra careful in these dangerous road conditions! It is not only within the 20mph zone. It is for a good few feet either side too as people only assume that you are going to slow down ready to enter the slow zone.

How to Survive Failure

Failure is one of the most important things in life. If it isn't in the top three, then it is definitely up there in the top ten. Everyone has to fail as often as they can and as early as they can.

Consider the person who sails through life in their younger years. They live in a loving home where everything they do has a selection of admirers standing 'ooohing' and 'aaahing' and clapping their hands.

School does not test them too much and they fly high at college. This person's first bitter taste of failure could come as late as university, in a job, or in a relationship. What do they do? They have (gulp) failed at something. It will probably hit them quite hard. It might even stop them doing anything else for a while.

Because, dear friend, it is how we handle failure that determines how we live.

Consider everything that we do in life. It is how we recover from the trips and falls which will define who we are. If you fall off a bicycle, you have to get back on if you want to learn to ride.

If you fall off and then think to yourself: 'Oh no! I've failed, I will never, ever, never do that again.' Well, there you go, there will be no bike rides for you for ever more.

It is the same in spreadbetting. If you are an individual who wants to make money on the stock exchange or money markets, then your failures are the most important thing which bring meaning to your life.

It is not the wins. It's never the wins. You won? Oh good, you won before too - well done. Do it again.

You lost? You mean you failed? Oh no, you loser. What will you do now? Will you go and buy a paper bag to hide your head in shame? It is actually how you recover and the strategy you use as you start to lose that decides whether you are a failure or a winner.

The feelings which are attached to losing and failing can be some of the deepest and most profound ones that we feel. They can be feelings of guilt, of shame, of fear tinged with regret. Depending on the magnitude of your failure, they can be very powerful feelings of rejection and of never wanting to have to feel like this again.

Luckily, because of the mass media in the world in which we live, we are surrounded by both winners and losers. And the losers that we get to see each day in the newspapers and on TV are of the most spectacular kinds. Politicians, celebrities, TV pundits, other people in the news are always doing something silly and failing to do their jobs or failing to spot the obvious.

I say 'luckily' because some of the people who are in the headlines are some of the most resilient people in the world. It is often possible to see someone fail dramatically. To see them fail with an earth-shatteringly, devastatingly, crippling blow. And then, in the next month, or next year, they are back! Younger looking, more groomed, with something new to say, or a detailed description of why they lost it all in a new book out today.

We see failed marriages played out in the newspapers, failed parents, failed careers and businesses, but it does not mean that the person themselves is a failure. It is true that many people do sink without a trace never to be seen again. But the survivors can give us all a very good example.

The next time you feel a failure or a flop, sit and think about the latest politician scandal or sportsman coverage in the papers and put your little problem into perspective. Think to yourself, how much do I want this? If the answer comes out 'not that much actually', then move on. But if you think, ' I really really want to do this', then get up, brush the dust off your clothes and off you go - try, try, try again!!!

How to Survive in the Pickling Business

You can scoff if you like, but a search through Google reveals over half a million hits for the pickling business. So there must be very many people who are doing very nicely out of pickles!

Now the thing is, that while we are in this global recession, there is one thing that everyone still has to do. That is right! We all still need to add relish to our food.

It might be cheaper food, that is for sure, but that doesn't mean that it can't be delicious.

This is where you come in. Do you know any good recipes for pickling your own vegetables? Great!

For those who don't, here is a simple lemon pickle recipe to get started. After that, it is a question of finding some other great recipes and getting people to buy your pickle. Voila! You are in the pickling business.

Great Lemon Pickle
You will need some firm lemons, salt, bay leaves, star anise and black pepper.
Cut the lemons into quarters half of the way along, leaving the quarters connected.
Put a teaspoon of salt into each open lemon and close them back together.
Add each lemon to a sterile jar with a good lid.
Add the spices and some lemon juice.
Fill to the top with boiled and cooled water.
Keep on the shelf for 4-6 weeks, turning the jar every now and then to keep the salt moving.

People need to spice up their lives when they are feeling happy and sad and low. Someone in the pickling business who makes great pickles should always come up smelling of roses.

How to Survive Being Taken For Granted By Your Family

Being taken for granted can be very very depressing. This includes actually being taken for granted and feeling it. Because although the two are different, they can both feel like the same thing.

Take a young mum for example. She has to do everything for her new baby. But it is not necessary that she feels too put upon. Exhausted, sleep-deprived, maybe lonely if she has to spend everyday with a baby, but OK with it.

Roll forwards a few years and now she may find herself in the middle of a family where she is the only one who ever picks anything up off the floor, or washes anything, or hoovers, or cleans etc etc. She probably finds that she is starting to feel like a drudge!

Being taken for granted is that feeling when you have done something for someone and they do not even acknowledge it let alone thank you for it. And it sucks. And what's more, it can get worse. This person, or persons, now expect that you will continue to do this kind thing because that's your job!

There are different ways of dealing with a situation like this:

You can keep silently trudging on doing all the work and feeling like a martyr but become increasingly resentful of everything and everyone.

You could turn into a nag. As soon as you see anyone else, no matter what time of day it is, start moaning about how horrible life is and how annoying everyone is.

You could stop doing anything at all, in which case, probably the rest of the family would give each other funny looks, but just make small comments until you gave in and started doing it again.

So, How DO You Survive?


Now listen, it is all very well to be the boss in your kitchen and to be able to control everything that happens etc., etc., blah. blah and you can feel all angelic while helping everyone, but imagine it going on for the next ten years. Not feeling so good now right? So the fact is, that it needs to become more democratic and less controlled.

It might be that you simply do it all because you don't like telling people what to do and you don't like feeling like a dictator.

It could be that you think, you can see what needs doing, so why can't they see it without being told?

Or it might be that you simply don't like asking people to do things because they will not do it properly and ask you a million questions and you'll only have to do it again yourself anyway.

Whatever the reason, taking little steps towards releasing control will, in the long run, help everyone.

The worst thing to do is to walk into the room suddenly one day and explode. This can be very tempting, especially if feelings have been building up. The chances are that no-one will have noticed your subtle-as-an elephant hints about helping around the house more.

It is far better to ask one person to do one thing for you. Ask them to do it once. Then stop. DO NOT feel bad because you have asked someone else to do a thing. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Do not use sarcasm to get your point across, and don't be too negative or general.

Walking in and saying 'Look at this tip! you never help around the house, what did your last slave die of?' does not convey the right message does it?

Rather, walk in and say 'Joe, can you go and hang your coat up?'

One simple, direct request is more likely to be followed.

Or after dinner, say 'Everyone can put their own plates away and we'll have dessert.' Or something like that.

Start small, stick to simple messages that can be done easily. Don't nag - teenagers have a special way of tuning out when the nagging starts. The little nag-avoidance mechanism switches on and they do not hear a word you say after that.

Don't be vague or general. Instead of 'Tidy your room.' it is easier to say 'Pick up all your clothes from the floor and I'll wash them for you.'

Start them young and keep it up. They will have a real sense of accomplishment and independence as they learn to do more around the house and you will find other ways to express your control freak nature the time to relax and put your feet up.

How to Survive an Alien Invasion

When faced with an alien invasion, the first thing to do is PANIC!

No, actually, the first thing to do is to find out if they are friendly aliens, or the other kind.

It will probably not take long to see whether they are friendly or not. If, when their spaceship lands, they do nothing for ages, then there is probably a 35% chance that they are friendly. They could be sitting and observing us, the humans, to see whether we are friendly to them.

If they do turn out to be friendly, then Great! Swap new medical discoveries with them, like the cure for cancer and the common cold. Show them the way to Amarillo. Treat them to a fantastic traditional Earth meal. But be extremely careful what you give them. Do not give them anything too hot or too cold, or too funny-looking. They might:  become confused/upset/think you are trying to kill them! On second thoughts, maybe get them to feed you one of their delicacies then hide it in your pocket when they are not looking.

But, if they approach the Earth and start blowing up the buildings or land and start melting the tanks surrounding them, then there is a 99.9% chance that they are unfriendly.

The trouble with unfriendly aliens is that they may have just spent the last few light years travelling to reach us, in which case, not only are they unfriendly, but they will also be very, very cranky.

So, How do You Survive, Unfriendly, Sleep Deprived and Cranky Aliens?

There is no guarantee that anything will definitely work, but there are a few things to try and some things to definitely avoid.

Under no circumstances are you to make your way towards the landing site and try to get onboard with a computer virus on a USB stick. This action is classed as Very Very Dangerous.

Similarly, Do Not, repeat: Do Not, try to befriend an Unfriendly Alien.

These two actions alone, if completely avoided will greatly increase your chances of surviving.

A great tip in a case like this is: RUN AWAY! Run as far as you can in the opposite direction. Do not get in the way of, or make eye contact with anyone who is headed towards the spaceship. They have either got a USB stick in their pockets, or they have been hypnotised by the aliens' space probe. Either of these things means that they are beyond your help any way.

Do keep any stray pets that you find along the way, or join a raggle taggle group of misfits, especially if they have a guitar player among them and a large van which is headed in the opposite direction.


Ah, I hear you say, What if you can't run away? What if you get caught?

Aliens are usually very large, slow, clumsy beings. It was very careless of you to get yourself caught.

Sometimes, standing very still will help you a great deal. A lot of aliens will come within a hair's breadth of you ... and then go away for no reason!

This has been a great trick which has been used by a lot of alien survivors.



Try casually throwing any household items that you can at them to see whether it will melt them, irritate them or make them very very happy. You never know, after all, they are aliens, they might never have come across fizzy pop or jelly and custard before. It never hurts to try.

If there is no other way, you have been caught and trapped on their ship, then I'm sorry, but the only thing to do is to try to blend in as much as possible. Be helpful. Because they are so slow and cumbersome, they might appreciate someone who can bring things to them quickly or reach up to the top shelf on their spaceship.

In time, they will learn to see how wrong they were and that humans are not the horrible war mongers and general bad boys that our radio and television transmissions into space would have them think. They might think that we are very useful after all.

They might even cancel the bigger invasion that they had planned for later in the year! You would be doing humanity a very big service!