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Friday, 7 December 2012

How to Survive the Zombie Mummies

Every morning I have the good fortune to drive along a road where there is a good school in an affluent area.

Lucky me.

And every morning I meet the mummies.

No, not exactly what I had in mind.

I mean the Zombie Mummies.

That's better.

It is only the school run, but these women, I'm sorry, but they are all women, I have yet to see a man at the wheel, have probably been up for hours primping and preening because they are primed to perfection.

They are mostly all driving large 4x4s which their husbands have bought for them to run around town in, no doubt.

And these women are all dead behind the eyes. There is little to no contact with the passengers and there is zero awareness of what is going on in the road around them.

This is a road where there are cars parked on either side, school buses drive up and down, and hundreds of school children are walking around.

What is the point of the Zombie Mummy?

The point of the zombie mummy is to get from point A to point B.

How does the Zombie Mummy fulfill its purpose?

The zombie mummy fulfills its purpose by getting from point A to point B.

How do You Survive a Zombie Mummy?

Stay out of the way. Stay well out of the way. The zombie mummy does not see you and it does not know that you are there. This is good.

Your aim is to keep it this way. If they are driving down this narrow road towards you, chances are, they have not registered that you are also driving towards them. If, by a hapless manoeuvre of your own, you have managed to become entangled in a face-off, it will sit there until there is no obstruction in its way. It does not matter that it only has to move back 1 foot and you have to reverse along half of the road. Just do it. It will sit there. I'm telling you, just do it.

Legend has it that if you stare too long into the face of a zombie mummy, ... no I can't it's just too horrible to even think about.

That wasn't too hard was it?

The zombie mummy will now drive past you and leer.

Decades of research have been conducted about this. Too many for me to summarise here. But to boil it down into two sentences: Some think that this leer is gratitude. I don't.

None of these researchers has even looked at a zombie mummy the way that I have, day after relentless day.

But I have lived. I am a survivor. Now I am here to share my experiences with you.

Two simple points:

  • Try to stay out of the way
  • Do NOT expect any gratitude

I have been trying my own little experiments. But I urge you, you must NOT try any of these for yourself:

I thank them. I suddenly give way when they least expect it. I show a cheery hand signal to try to reach that submerged fleck of humanity which must surely be deep down there somewhere. The animus which impels the beast.

Don't thank me, my little efforts are weak and puny in a world that is dominated by the SUV and the designer poodle. But I try.

OK, thank me a little.

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