How to Survive Being in a Cult

Take a good look around the room you are sitting in. Are there a lot of similarly dressed people in it who keep smiling at you all the time?

If the answer to this question is 'Yes', then don't panic. Get up slowly and walk towards the door.

Keep smiling!

Nod.

Now try to make your way into the bathroom or find a mirror. Take a deep breath and have a look in the mirror.
1. Are you wearing similar clothes to the people you have just seen?
2. Do you have all your hair?
3. Do you have a silly, permanent grin on your face?
4.Did you just answer 'Yes' to two or more of the above questions?

You could be in a cult.

The answer to the next question is very important: Do you wish to stay in this cult? If you have answered 'Yes' to this question, then please do not continue reading. No-one will judge you on this life choice (except your parents, all your friends and strangers at airports.) and we all wish you the very best of luck with everything.

If your answer was 'No', then it is imperative that you try to remove yourself from this cult as soon as possible. Do you remember whether you have any possessions? Not all possessions are important at this point. If you own a bowl and a pair of sandals, then this is not good. Possessions we are looking for at this juncture are anything from the following list: money, credit card, mobile phone, transport of any kind.

Go back down into the room with the people, and, when they are busy, take a quick look around the room. If you see any car keys lying around, or cash or phones, then try to secret them within your clothing. If the people do not busy themselves with other tasks, then try to distract their attention in some way by pointing out of the window and shouting 'Oh look at that!' loudly, banging the dinner gong, or telling them that you have just seen a chocolate bar lying next to a television in one of the rooms upstairs.

If the people do not get distracted but keep smiling and follow your every word and some of them start to write down things that you say, then this means big trouble.

You are the leader of the cult.

How did you end up with a cult? Try to think back as far as you can and remember your actions. Did you, at any time start any charismatic public speaking? Have you been asking people to give you all their worldly goods?

If you can not remember, then it does not matter too much, cults have a way of brainwashing their members. The members of the cult may have reverse-brainwashed you into believing what they want you to.

Being the leader is not so bad. Try to introduce some new thinking into your group. Introduce them slowly into the ways of capitalism. Let them watch soap operas on TV. Buy them some jeans. In time you will be able to release them and yourself back into society.

In the meantime, look around you. As the leader, you could have a huge pile of gold and some cars lying around...